It's all about Nikki and Helen. Were there other characters in
the first three seasons? I'm sorry, I didn't notice.
When I think of what a sexy couple should be, I think of gravity.
These babes should be so hot for each other that the laws of nature
need to be working in their favour. They have an instant pull,
a connection, an irresistable attraction. Heck, they have so much
heat they could be mistaken for a renewable energy source.
Where can we find such a thing? Rule Britannia, I say! Who would
have thought that the land of BBC costume drama and the most annoying
royal family on the planet could produce something so ludicrous,
so trashy, so hot!?
Yes, I'm talking about Nikki Wade and Helen Stewart. Anyone who
has seen the first three seasons of the aptly named Bad
Girls will know what I'm talking about. If you haven't,
it's time to pick yourself up a box set.
Fans of Bad Girls are divided on a very important
question. Who is sexier, Nikki or Helen? Nikki has the tall, dark
thing going for her, along with the dark past and the bad girl
image. Helen has her authority, her gorgeous eyes and lips, and
that accent. Woah, that accent. When men speak Scottish I often
think I'd rather listen to a bagpipe concerto, but when women
speak it, particularly Simone Lahbib, I start to sweat and tingle
Together the two are electric. We were denied any real contact
between them for half of the first season, though it was painfully
obvious that Nikki Wade, lifer and murderer, had a thing for the
Larkhalls Wing Governor. When Helen first discovered Nikki's attraction
to her, by having Nikki put her hand on her breast in the gardening
shed, she was stunned. At first she got angry, insisted she was
straight and went running into the arms of her boyfriend Sean,
agreeing to marry him and live the life of a perfect heterosexual.
As the time wore on, Nikki wore Helen down. After one kiss it
was pretty much goodbye fiancé. Then the shit hit the fan
and Helen was forced first into personal leave and then to resign
as Wing Governor. On her way out Helen gives in to that ultimate
of temptations, the consequences-free goodbye kiss. Hello! Welcome
to season two.
Is this the end of Helen? No! She returns as Head of Lifers at
Larkhalls, which means not only is she still involved in Nikki's
life, she's her personal supervisor. The tension mounts. We know
Helen is up to something when she secretly photocopies Nikki's
file. It turns out Helen has made it her personal crusade to get
Nikki's case appealed.
Throughout the season Nikki and Helen try to defy gravity (that
irresistable pull, remember?) and function as screw and inmate
in a prison that practically screams "hotbed of lusts and
desires". At the end of the second season, fed up with the
setbacks in her appeals process and fed up with not getting the
woman she wants, Nikki bribes a nurse 3000 pounds to help her
escape, and lands on Helen's doorstep. After the shock wears off
Helen realises what a fabulous opportunity this is and they make
love for the first time. I may have missed a bit at the end there,
the heat coming off them melted the wiring in my TV. *mutter*
I bought a new TV. Season three! Helen contrives to drive Nikki
back to Larkhalls where they sneak her back in undetected. They
vow to continue fighting for Nikki's appeal.
Meanwhile, after a few annoying setbacks, Nikki finds herself
in the middle of a brawl at Larkhalls. She backs a peaceful protest
among the prisoners which turns ugly and gets everyone in lots
of trouble. Nikki herself succeeds in locking the troublemakers
up and ending the riots, but it is too little too late. Helen
is incensed. Their relationship is over. Say it isn't so! *cue
serious music here*
Nikki is heartbroken. Helen rebounds onto some twat of a doctor
who's gorgeous, intelligent and just plain annoying. Our poor
girl is forced to sit back and watch Helen be romanced by this
moron, when anyone can see that Helen is just running scared and
using any possible excuse to put something between her and the
Helen is blackmailed by the evil Fenner with evidence of her
and Nikki's affair, plus information on Nikki's escape from the
nurse she bribed. Helen could probably save her job, but if the
news of Nikki's one night on the lam got out it would be the end
of her appeal. So Helen resigns. It's the end of her career at
Larkhalls. She and Nikki part company sadly, but Helen is still
seeing the twat doctor so what can be done?
Finally, victory is at hand. Nikki's appeal is granted, despite
a last-minute attempt by the same people who blackmailed Helen
to have her caught with an illegal weapon. Nikki is set free and
is reunited with Trish, the woman she murdered the cop for to
be thrown into Larkhalls in the first place. Helen has been thinking,
and mulling. Her twat doctor-boyfriend figures out the truth and
encourages Helen to admit the truth to herself about her love
for Nikki. Helen follows his advice and gets up the courage to
visit Nikki on the outside.
Nikki is sceptical at first, thinking Helen can't possibly be
interested in her romantically. Helen tries to make a real connection
but leaves disappointed, but Nikki is slapped to her senses by
Trish who gives in at last and lets Nikki go, right into the arms
of her gorgeous Scottish babe (who has been dumped the twat doctor
because what she really wants is Nikki, dammit. That irresistable
As we watch our sexy heroines kiss right there and then on the
street, fade to black and fade from the show for the last time,
we're left with one final, wonderful fact. They faced their share
of trials and tribulations but ended up together. Neither of them
died, turned evil, tried to kill anyone (and in Larkhalls that's
pretty rare) or generally brought disrepute to the lesbian race.
They just fell in love.
So let's hear it for it Nikki and Helen. I'll admit, not everyone
has a thing about women with Scottish accents like I do. All that
matters is that we celebrate these women as functional, interesting
TV lesbians and hope for many more just like them, only different
and better please, with more sex. That'd be nice.
Got a comment? Write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org